Thoughts on Vulnerability

About a month ago I went to a friend's house to have lunch.  We spent a few minutes visiting before eating.  As she shared a story about her family I had strong feelings of sadness and jealousy well up inside of me.  I knew if I allowed myself to experience those feelings tears would soon be streaming down my face.  In order to avoid this from happening I suppressed the feelings, pushing them way down deep.  I didn't want to be one of those whiny single women who cries when others talk about their family!

It was only later that I realized what a horrible mistake I had made.  Because I was afraid of looking stupid I lost an opportunity to connect with my friend.  Instead I put on a happy (fake) face and pretended like everything was okay and felt disingenuous during the rest of our visit.  Here was a chance for me to share my feelings, be vulnerable with a friend and I wouldn't allow it.  I have no doubt my friend would have reacted with love and compassion towards me and I believe our friendship would have been stronger had I been more honest.

It's funny, I take all of these acting classes to learn how to be myself on stage but I can't even do it in real life!!! Back to acting classes I go.  Maybe between stage and real life there is hope that someday I will learn how to be authentic by allowing myself to be vulnerable.

These thoughts have reminded me of a Ted talk I listened to a long time ago.  Brene Brown discusses the Power of Vulnerability.  She explains the essential part vulnerability plays in making connections with others.  I would highly recommend her speech.  I have found her ideas to be true both on and off stage.

Here is the link to her Ted talk and a few of my favorite quotes.
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-782684

"Connection is why we are here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about."

"In order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen."

"Vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness but it appears it is also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love."

Grassy Meadows...it's no Thornfield Hall

"I smiled as the driver pulled into the driveway.  On the estate sat a large brick home adorned with windows. Grassy Meadows was situated on the most handsome plot of land.  The grounds were beautiful, and included spacious front yard with a small apple orchard and a swimming pool to the east of the mansion.  Beautiful groves of trees surrounded both sides of the house.  The house was on a hill with a backyard of lush green lawn that sloped down to the road.  At the bottom of the hill was a fence and a road and still further out, a charming lake surrounded by more forest.

Even though the home was large there was a cozy feel to it.  Inside children were full of smiles and the mother was so kind.  We played games and got to know each other over lunch.  The other staff were so friendly and happy.  After lunch more time was spent playing.  Although I had just met them the children seemed to take to me well.  We had a grand time.  Before I left I was showed the guest house, Pine Forest.  This beautiful home, only a short walk from the main house, was where I would live.  It included six rooms, several sitting rooms and two kitchens."

If I were to start a novel about my new job this is how it would begin.  Indeed I feel like I could write a modern version of Agnes Grey.  About two months I ago I left by beloved New York City for a nanny job on Long Island all in the name of saving money for grad school.

Unfortunately, just like Jane Eyre and Agnes Grey things haven't quite turned out the way I thought they would.  First impressions can and will be deceiving.  While there are a few crazies and quite a few ill-tempered people here none of them live in the attic and none are handsome single men. (Darn it!)  Sadly, other parts of my job are also similar to Agnes Grey and Jane Eyre.  As much as I would like to gossip I will refrain from sharing those parts, as I have probably said too much already.

Since writing the paragraphs above I have quitted my post at Grassy Meadows.  Things were not what they seemed.  It was beginning to feel like Downton Abbey, complete with gossiping staff.  I am sad to say the work was not worth money.  Fortunately, it's 2015 and I am free to leave and find another job, which is what I have done! Halellujah!

Being Single

"You have been given a bum deal.  I am sorry but it's true."  My mom recently said this during a telephone conversation.  She was referring to my being single.  When people say these kinds of things I aways just brush it aside.  Whatever, life isn't so bad.  I mean, I have all my limbs, I can see and hear.  I have all of my mental faculties.  I have a job and can take care of myself (well, kind of).  Life is good.  What right do I have to complain?  And besides, like I shared in my talk a few weeks ago, we are supposed to be grateful in all circumstances.  In an effort to display gratitude I have always considered myself richly blessed and free of trials.  But what if this attitude is more about denial rather than courage?

Just a few days ago I was expressing some anger and frustration to my brother on the phone when he replied, "perhaps it might be good if you expressed some gratitude to Heavenly Father, that you are counted worthy to bear this trial."  His words struck me.  Trial?  You mean this is a trial?  Usually, I  consider myself so blessed that I don't ever let myself refer to being single as a trial.  There are thousands of people, if not more, who have worse problems than I do.  They have real trials.  Being single isn't really a trial...or is it?

Both my mother's and my brother's comments made me stop and think.  Is being single a trial?  Do I have the right to give it such a title when others seem to be enduring so many worse situations?  I have concluded that my brother and mother are right; it does merit the title of trial.  I do not desire to wallow in self pity or complain or compare my trial to anyone else's.  I am just wondering if acknowledging it as a trial would help me cope.  Perhaps I should stop berating myself for feeling sad   or lonely.  Maybe I should stop pretending like it's not a real trial or that I don't have a right to be struggling.  Because being single is hard.  Acknowledging it as a trial might help me accept it and work through it, instead of scolding myself for complaining.  I am extremely blessed with good friends and an amazing family but that doesn't mean I should feel guilty for having bad days.  Plus, if I believe that I am "counted worthy" to bear this trial I won't think of myself as being punished, maybe I haven't done anything wrong?  Heavenly Father and has given me this trial because he thinks I can handle it and I am grateful for that!  I do not desire to wallow in self pity but maybe I should just call a 'spade a spade'.  So instead of beating myself up because I am struggling, I can choose to be faithful and diligent, showing Heavenly Father that I trust in Him and His plan for me.

More than our brother is our chastity.

While on Long Island I have been able to study acting.  Every weekend I get a ride into the city where I stay with friends.  In order to prepare for grad school auditions Saturday mornings have been reserved for my private acting lessons.  I must present two contrasting monologues and 16 bars of a song.  I have learned so much in my preparation.

My Shakespearen monologue is Isabel's soliloquy from Measure for Measure.  Isabel is about to take her vows as a nun when she hears that her brother has been sentenced to die for getting his betrothed pregnant.  Isabel goes to Angelo, the deputy, to plead for her brother's life.  Angelo falls in love with her as he listens and offers her a deal: if she will sleep with him he will free her brother.  My monologue is her response to this indecent proposal.

I must admit that I was nervous to do a Shakespeare monologue.  I enjoy his plays but I am far from proficient.  The language is so difficult. I can barely understand it.  How could I portray one of his characters?  I read the play several times and met with a Shakespeare professor at Long Island University.  He was gracious enough to meet with me twice to go through the scene that proceeds my monologue.  These tutoring sessions were very helpful.

I fell in love with the scene and the monologue.  Once I understood it it was so easy to memorize, far easier than my contemporary piece.  It was the strangest thing, the words just rolled off of my tongue.

Another thing happened as I rehearsed it with my teacher, I cried.  I have a deep connection with the piece; over and over I became emotional.  As I pondered why this was many reasons came to my mind.  The injustice in the scene makes me so angry!  When Isabella threatens to tell others about his indecent proposal, Angelo tells her that no one would believe her, he says: "my false overweighs your true."  This kind of evil makes me sick!

Isabel must choose between her chastity and the life of her brother, not an easy choice.  She decides to tell her brother, confident that he would never ask her to make such a sacrifice.  She explains that he would gladly die so that she can remain virtuous.  Perhaps I grow emotional because I am blessed with four amazing brothers who would never ask me to do a thing like this.  But how terrible it would be to know that my chastity would cost the life of my brother!  Maybe I think of my Elder Brother Jesus Christ, who willingly gave His life so that I can become clean.  Either way I feel a kinship to Isabella.  Coming from a religious background myself, it it easy for me to understand the gravity of her predicament.

I also learned that not everyone sees the monologue in the same light.  During my tutoring session with the professor he explained that I need to get the auditors to empathize with me.  They need to feel sorry for me, that I have to make this decision.  Well, duh, I thought.  This is an awful decision! But then he said, "yes, why is she being such a prig?  Why won't she just sleep with him and save her brother.  She has the power to save him."  Of course I tried to conceal my horror.  How could anyone think like that?  Then I realized that not everyone is religious and some watching might think those things.  (I know...I am a little naive.)  Anyway, it was a good reminder that everyone brings their own experience to a play.  I shouldn't assume that everyone will understand or agree with Isabel's choice not to give in to Angelo but hopefully everyone watching will see what a heart wrenching decision.

I know this is supposed to be a blog about acting...but I couldn't resist.

I have spent the past fifteen years working with children and though I am not a parent myself I have learned a few important things. One of these insights in particular, has reconfirmed my decision to be a stay at home mom. The realization is this: kids, especially young ones will ask deep questions at the most random times, often during the routine activities of the day. They just say what they are thinking. You can't schedule important conversations. Though scheduling time with children is important and should be done it doesn't necessarily mean that the child will wait to ask that important question during the appointed time.

Just last week I started a new nanny job. I had only been on the job a few hours when, while playing badminton, the little girl asked me about tattoos and if I had any friends that have them. A deep conversation followed about things such as judging others, making mistakes, our bodies, and what makes a person 'good.' There we were playing badminton having this important conversation when we had only known each other for a few hours!

At my previous job it was during the seemingly mundane activities of the day that we had our most important conversations. We discussed honesty, expressing our emotions, and being genuine while riding the bus. Walking through the city we talked about being ourselves and why we don't necessarily want to be like everyone else. During these moments that I felt sad because I knew that ideally these were conversations meant for parent and child, not nanny and child. I was sad for her mother knowing that she was missing out on these moments.

I also believe there are no such things as routine activities with children. You are not just washing dishes, just playing cars, or just reading stories. You are building relationships with your kids, being there ready and willing to answer any question they have just like Heavenly Father is with us. We can pray to him at anytime day or night and he will hear and answer us. I just want to be as available to my children as Heavenly Father is to his.

I know a mother can't be there 100% of the time and I don't necessarily think she should be, after all I think it is good for mothers to pursue their own interests and hobbies. I am simply stating that you can't plan when a young child will want to discuss something important. The mother that chooses to work has to realize that she will be missing out on such conversations with her children. I also know it takes a village to raise a child which is why it is important to have good teachers at school and church and good nannies. I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to teach and love so many children over the past ten years. I have learned so much!

12 Reasons Why I Love My Holey Tennis Shoes

Last May when my mother came to visit I showed her my holey tennis shoes. She was shocked of course and insisted that we go buy new shoes. "Nah" I replied, "I'd rather go see another Broadway show." And that's what we did! It occurred to me that I could see two shows for the price of new sneakers. I hate buying new shoes and I love seeing Broadway shows so why waste money on tennis shoes when I can see shows on Broadway instead! Supposedly Van Gogh, or one of the famous artists would buy paint instead of food. I love food but I think I might understand how they felt, just a little bit.

1. Celebration & Reflection, Part 2

 While walking through Lincoln Center we came across this poster advertising this concert by two famous composers/conductors, Bob Chilcott and Rene Clausen. I didn't know about them but mom did so I suggested we get tickets. That is what you do when you are on vaction in NYC, you just walk around until you find a show you like and you buy tickets for it. We went that night and she loved it. I liked it too but with her background I know she appreciated it alot more than I did!

2. Kenneth Brannagh in MACBETH- need I say more?

A new friend, Courtney Young had an extra ticket so I was able to go with her and my good friend, Malia. It was amazing! I wish I could have taken pictures during the show. We were able to sit and talk with a few cast members afterwards which was great!

3. The Cripple of Inishmaan starring Daniel Radcliffe.

This one was probably my favorite. I am realizing more and more how much I love plays. They are about people and relationships. They shed light on the human condition in a deep, entertaining way. It's like the audience doesn't even know they are being taught, enlightened; you leave the theater a different person than you were at the beginning of the play. This play was a revival, an amazing story. The best part was the end when the plot twist was revealed, there was an audible gasp in the audience. (I guess I wasn't the only one who didn't know about the story.) It was superbly acted and left me with a greater desire to do my own acting and bring such stories to audiences everywhere.

4. Newsies: The Musical

If you missed Newsies on Broadway you missed something special. It is starting a tour in North Amercian in October so you still have a chance. This show is amazing. The music, singing, and dancing are fabulous. I think I cried the first time I saw it as did my mother. I have seen it three times and would see it again in a heartbeat! At every performance the audience went wild and the cast received a standing ovation.

5. Matilda

This was the third show I saw with my mom when she came in May. Some of the songs were so funny. I thoroughly enjoyed the scenery and sets. I particularly enjoyed the song "When I Grow Up." The children sang it as they swung on swings on stage. The young actors were very good. I found the story very touching but of course any story where a young child yearns for a happy family will cause me to choke up.

6. IF/THEN starring Idina Menzel but thankfully we saw the understudy.

A friend had comp tickets so of course I took advantage and went. I sat with my friend Lizzie. Idina Menzel was not performing (maybe that's why we had comp tickets) so we saw the understudy. She was fabulous! Call me crazy but I am not a big fan of Menzel. However the story was interesting. It followed one womans life, showing how life would have been different had she stayed in Central Park to meet a boy instead of leaving with friends. It answers the ever present question, "What if?"

7. Les Miserables

Ten years ago I saw this show on Broadway and was sorely disappointed, the cast was not quite Broadway quality. Needless to say I was hoping this time would be different. It was fabulous, so much better than last time. The sets were great. The singing was amazing. I would definitely see it again. The story is inspired, one of my favorites. Though I must say the music is so grand and perfect I don't think I will ever see a production that lives up to the quality of the music. Does that make sense? Maybe that is just because I grew up listening to the 10th anniversary concert version where they used all of the best singers.

8. Bullets Over Broadway: The Muscial

Saw this with my roommate Jordyn. It was silly and cute, a good time minus that one inappropriate song. We did get to sit on the first row. I love being close enough to see them spit as they sing and speak.

9. Of Mice And Men starring James Franco and Chris O'Dowd

This was a fabulous show. Chris O'Dowd was amazing. I forgot how sad this story was until the end came. Brittany and I really enjoyed the show. I can't believe I get to see this quality of theater anytime!!!

10. Shakespeare in the Park's Much Ado About Nothing 

Despite being exhausted I thoroughly enjoyed this show. The two leads were amazing. It was fun to see Brian Stokes Mitchell perform too.

11. You Can't Take It With You starring many, including James Earl Jones

My friend Melody found out at the last minute she had an extra ticket. Ten minutes after I read her Facebook message I was on the train. Now that I am living on Long Island I won't be able to go to a show at the drop of a hat guess it's time to buy new sneakers.

This show was hilarious! It is also a revival, a story about a quirky family and their daughters attempt to marry. It was refreshing to see a funny, clean family type show on Broadway.

12. Phantom of the Opera starring my friend Deanna Doyle as Meg Giry

Unlike Les Miserables I felt like this show did live up to the grandeur of the music. I loved the show; it also helped that I had a friend in it. She was amazing. It was so fun to see her on stage! But really the singing was fabulous, the sets were great, and the costumes were amazing! It was an incredible show. Afterwards Deanna took me backstage for a few minutes. She showed me where she does most of her quick changes and the slippery stage she has to dance on.

It turns out my mom and I did go shopping for walking shoes. Of course they didn't have a small enough size so I didn't buy anything that day. I have yet to order the walking shoes but just last week I finally bought new sneakers. I went jogging in them this morning, my first run on Long Island. It's nice to have new tennis shoes but I sure do love attending Broadway shows too!

Catching up!

Life has been crazy so I will just give you a few highlights from spring and summer.

April- I said good bye to this pretty woman. She left me for...Oklahoma City! Can you believe it? And of course she is loving it, the freedom of a car, the slower pace, and the nicer, God-fearing people of the Midwest. Sorry NYC but it's true. I miss her, it hasn't been the same since she left.

About to take a ride on the Hudson in the sailboat behind us.

May- My mother came to visit me for the first time. We had a fabulous time. We saw three shows, ate at fun places and visited the 9/11 Memorial Museum. Perhaps the best part of the trip was when my mother told me that I should just do it, just to school for acting. I cried as she said it. I know I am a grown woman and that I don't necessarily need my mother's approval but it sure is nice to have it. There is something about the love and support of a mother....

Crossing the Brooklyn Bridge

During May I also got to visit my friend Lynne and her family in Rochester, NY. We had a great time visiting Church history sites and attending the Lilac festival.

Hill Cumorah with Lynne and Joanie, both former roommates!

Beautiful Lilacs

June- Must have been pretty normal because not much is sticking out. I did however come across Mt. Rushmore made entirely of beef jerky. Now, that is something you don't see everyday!

Yummy!

July- Spent a few days in Virginia Beach visiting these crazy people that I love! We watched a baseball game, saw some fireworks, went to an aquarium, and swam at the beach. It was an amazing weekend.

Sharks freak me out! I never swim in deep ocean water, never!

Does this picture even need a caption?

I also got to attend my family reunion in Utah. We had a blast with parents, all six kids and spouses and sixteen grandkids. Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures but my siblings did and I can't wait to see them! I also got to visit this pretty lady while in Utah. It's always good to catch up with former roommates especially when they are your grandma!

Now you all know where I get my good looks!

August- Watched a Mets game with these beauties who also happen to be some of my best friends. After the game we enjoyed a concert by Boyz II Men.

I am blessed with amazing friends!