About a month ago I went to a friend's house to have lunch. We spent a few minutes visiting before eating. As she shared a story about her family I had strong feelings of sadness and jealousy well up inside of me. I knew if I allowed myself to experience those feelings tears would soon be streaming down my face. In order to avoid this from happening I suppressed the feelings, pushing them way down deep. I didn't want to be one of those whiny single women who cries when others talk about their family!
It was only later that I realized what a horrible mistake I had made. Because I was afraid of looking stupid I lost an opportunity to connect with my friend. Instead I put on a happy (fake) face and pretended like everything was okay and felt disingenuous during the rest of our visit. Here was a chance for me to share my feelings, be vulnerable with a friend and I wouldn't allow it. I have no doubt my friend would have reacted with love and compassion towards me and I believe our friendship would have been stronger had I been more honest.
It's funny, I take all of these acting classes to learn how to be myself on stage but I can't even do it in real life!!! Back to acting classes I go. Maybe between stage and real life there is hope that someday I will learn how to be authentic by allowing myself to be vulnerable.
These thoughts have reminded me of a Ted talk I listened to a long time ago. Brene Brown discusses the Power of Vulnerability. She explains the essential part vulnerability plays in making connections with others. I would highly recommend her speech. I have found her ideas to be true both on and off stage.
Here is the link to her Ted talk and a few of my favorite quotes.
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability#t-782684
"Connection is why we are here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about."
"In order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen."
"Vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness but it appears it is also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love."
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Grassy Meadows...it's no Thornfield Hall
"I smiled as the driver pulled into the driveway. On the estate sat a large brick home adorned with windows. Grassy Meadows was situated on the most handsome plot of land. The grounds were beautiful, and included spacious front yard with a small apple orchard and a swimming pool to the east of the mansion. Beautiful groves of trees surrounded both sides of the house. The house was on a hill with a backyard of lush green lawn that sloped down to the road. At the bottom of the hill was a fence and a road and still further out, a charming lake surrounded by more forest.
Even though the home was large there was a cozy feel to it. Inside children were full of smiles and the mother was so kind. We played games and got to know each other over lunch. The other staff were so friendly and happy. After lunch more time was spent playing. Although I had just met them the children seemed to take to me well. We had a grand time. Before I left I was showed the guest house, Pine Forest. This beautiful home, only a short walk from the main house, was where I would live. It included six rooms, several sitting rooms and two kitchens."
If I were to start a novel about my new job this is how it would begin. Indeed I feel like I could write a modern version of Agnes Grey. About two months I ago I left by beloved New York City for a nanny job on Long Island all in the name of saving money for grad school.
Unfortunately, just like Jane Eyre and Agnes Grey things haven't quite turned out the way I thought they would. First impressions can and will be deceiving. While there are a few crazies and quite a few ill-tempered people here none of them live in the attic and none are handsome single men. (Darn it!) Sadly, other parts of my job are also similar to Agnes Grey and Jane Eyre. As much as I would like to gossip I will refrain from sharing those parts, as I have probably said too much already.
Since writing the paragraphs above I have quitted my post at Grassy Meadows. Things were not what they seemed. It was beginning to feel like Downton Abbey, complete with gossiping staff. I am sad to say the work was not worth money. Fortunately, it's 2015 and I am free to leave and find another job, which is what I have done! Halellujah!
Even though the home was large there was a cozy feel to it. Inside children were full of smiles and the mother was so kind. We played games and got to know each other over lunch. The other staff were so friendly and happy. After lunch more time was spent playing. Although I had just met them the children seemed to take to me well. We had a grand time. Before I left I was showed the guest house, Pine Forest. This beautiful home, only a short walk from the main house, was where I would live. It included six rooms, several sitting rooms and two kitchens."
If I were to start a novel about my new job this is how it would begin. Indeed I feel like I could write a modern version of Agnes Grey. About two months I ago I left by beloved New York City for a nanny job on Long Island all in the name of saving money for grad school.
Unfortunately, just like Jane Eyre and Agnes Grey things haven't quite turned out the way I thought they would. First impressions can and will be deceiving. While there are a few crazies and quite a few ill-tempered people here none of them live in the attic and none are handsome single men. (Darn it!) Sadly, other parts of my job are also similar to Agnes Grey and Jane Eyre. As much as I would like to gossip I will refrain from sharing those parts, as I have probably said too much already.
Since writing the paragraphs above I have quitted my post at Grassy Meadows. Things were not what they seemed. It was beginning to feel like Downton Abbey, complete with gossiping staff. I am sad to say the work was not worth money. Fortunately, it's 2015 and I am free to leave and find another job, which is what I have done! Halellujah!
Being Single
"You have been given a bum deal. I am sorry but it's true." My mom recently said this during a telephone conversation. She was referring to my being single. When people say these kinds of things I aways just brush it aside. Whatever, life isn't so bad. I mean, I have all my limbs, I can see and hear. I have all of my mental faculties. I have a job and can take care of myself (well, kind of). Life is good. What right do I have to complain? And besides, like I shared in my talk a few weeks ago, we are supposed to be grateful in all circumstances. In an effort to display gratitude I have always considered myself richly blessed and free of trials. But what if this attitude is more about denial rather than courage?
Just a few days ago I was expressing some anger and frustration to my brother on the phone when he replied, "perhaps it might be good if you expressed some gratitude to Heavenly Father, that you are counted worthy to bear this trial." His words struck me. Trial? You mean this is a trial? Usually, I consider myself so blessed that I don't ever let myself refer to being single as a trial. There are thousands of people, if not more, who have worse problems than I do. They have real trials. Being single isn't really a trial...or is it?
Both my mother's and my brother's comments made me stop and think. Is being single a trial? Do I have the right to give it such a title when others seem to be enduring so many worse situations? I have concluded that my brother and mother are right; it does merit the title of trial. I do not desire to wallow in self pity or complain or compare my trial to anyone else's. I am just wondering if acknowledging it as a trial would help me cope. Perhaps I should stop berating myself for feeling sad or lonely. Maybe I should stop pretending like it's not a real trial or that I don't have a right to be struggling. Because being single is hard. Acknowledging it as a trial might help me accept it and work through it, instead of scolding myself for complaining. I am extremely blessed with good friends and an amazing family but that doesn't mean I should feel guilty for having bad days. Plus, if I believe that I am "counted worthy" to bear this trial I won't think of myself as being punished, maybe I haven't done anything wrong? Heavenly Father and has given me this trial because he thinks I can handle it and I am grateful for that! I do not desire to wallow in self pity but maybe I should just call a 'spade a spade'. So instead of beating myself up because I am struggling, I can choose to be faithful and diligent, showing Heavenly Father that I trust in Him and His plan for me.
Just a few days ago I was expressing some anger and frustration to my brother on the phone when he replied, "perhaps it might be good if you expressed some gratitude to Heavenly Father, that you are counted worthy to bear this trial." His words struck me. Trial? You mean this is a trial? Usually, I consider myself so blessed that I don't ever let myself refer to being single as a trial. There are thousands of people, if not more, who have worse problems than I do. They have real trials. Being single isn't really a trial...or is it?
Both my mother's and my brother's comments made me stop and think. Is being single a trial? Do I have the right to give it such a title when others seem to be enduring so many worse situations? I have concluded that my brother and mother are right; it does merit the title of trial. I do not desire to wallow in self pity or complain or compare my trial to anyone else's. I am just wondering if acknowledging it as a trial would help me cope. Perhaps I should stop berating myself for feeling sad or lonely. Maybe I should stop pretending like it's not a real trial or that I don't have a right to be struggling. Because being single is hard. Acknowledging it as a trial might help me accept it and work through it, instead of scolding myself for complaining. I am extremely blessed with good friends and an amazing family but that doesn't mean I should feel guilty for having bad days. Plus, if I believe that I am "counted worthy" to bear this trial I won't think of myself as being punished, maybe I haven't done anything wrong? Heavenly Father and has given me this trial because he thinks I can handle it and I am grateful for that! I do not desire to wallow in self pity but maybe I should just call a 'spade a spade'. So instead of beating myself up because I am struggling, I can choose to be faithful and diligent, showing Heavenly Father that I trust in Him and His plan for me.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
More than our brother is our chastity.
While on Long Island I have been able to study acting. Every weekend I get a ride into the city where I stay with friends. In order to prepare for grad school auditions Saturday mornings have been reserved for my private acting lessons. I must present two contrasting monologues and 16 bars of a song. I have learned so much in my preparation.
My Shakespearen monologue is Isabel's soliloquy from Measure for Measure. Isabel is about to take her vows as a nun when she hears that her brother has been sentenced to die for getting his betrothed pregnant. Isabel goes to Angelo, the deputy, to plead for her brother's life. Angelo falls in love with her as he listens and offers her a deal: if she will sleep with him he will free her brother. My monologue is her response to this indecent proposal.
I must admit that I was nervous to do a Shakespeare monologue. I enjoy his plays but I am far from proficient. The language is so difficult. I can barely understand it. How could I portray one of his characters? I read the play several times and met with a Shakespeare professor at Long Island University. He was gracious enough to meet with me twice to go through the scene that proceeds my monologue. These tutoring sessions were very helpful.
I fell in love with the scene and the monologue. Once I understood it it was so easy to memorize, far easier than my contemporary piece. It was the strangest thing, the words just rolled off of my tongue.
Another thing happened as I rehearsed it with my teacher, I cried. I have a deep connection with the piece; over and over I became emotional. As I pondered why this was many reasons came to my mind. The injustice in the scene makes me so angry! When Isabella threatens to tell others about his indecent proposal, Angelo tells her that no one would believe her, he says: "my false overweighs your true." This kind of evil makes me sick!
Isabel must choose between her chastity and the life of her brother, not an easy choice. She decides to tell her brother, confident that he would never ask her to make such a sacrifice. She explains that he would gladly die so that she can remain virtuous. Perhaps I grow emotional because I am blessed with four amazing brothers who would never ask me to do a thing like this. But how terrible it would be to know that my chastity would cost the life of my brother! Maybe I think of my Elder Brother Jesus Christ, who willingly gave His life so that I can become clean. Either way I feel a kinship to Isabella. Coming from a religious background myself, it it easy for me to understand the gravity of her predicament.
I also learned that not everyone sees the monologue in the same light. During my tutoring session with the professor he explained that I need to get the auditors to empathize with me. They need to feel sorry for me, that I have to make this decision. Well, duh, I thought. This is an awful decision! But then he said, "yes, why is she being such a prig? Why won't she just sleep with him and save her brother. She has the power to save him." Of course I tried to conceal my horror. How could anyone think like that? Then I realized that not everyone is religious and some watching might think those things. (I know...I am a little naive.) Anyway, it was a good reminder that everyone brings their own experience to a play. I shouldn't assume that everyone will understand or agree with Isabel's choice not to give in to Angelo but hopefully everyone watching will see what a heart wrenching decision.
My Shakespearen monologue is Isabel's soliloquy from Measure for Measure. Isabel is about to take her vows as a nun when she hears that her brother has been sentenced to die for getting his betrothed pregnant. Isabel goes to Angelo, the deputy, to plead for her brother's life. Angelo falls in love with her as he listens and offers her a deal: if she will sleep with him he will free her brother. My monologue is her response to this indecent proposal.
I must admit that I was nervous to do a Shakespeare monologue. I enjoy his plays but I am far from proficient. The language is so difficult. I can barely understand it. How could I portray one of his characters? I read the play several times and met with a Shakespeare professor at Long Island University. He was gracious enough to meet with me twice to go through the scene that proceeds my monologue. These tutoring sessions were very helpful.
I fell in love with the scene and the monologue. Once I understood it it was so easy to memorize, far easier than my contemporary piece. It was the strangest thing, the words just rolled off of my tongue.
Another thing happened as I rehearsed it with my teacher, I cried. I have a deep connection with the piece; over and over I became emotional. As I pondered why this was many reasons came to my mind. The injustice in the scene makes me so angry! When Isabella threatens to tell others about his indecent proposal, Angelo tells her that no one would believe her, he says: "my false overweighs your true." This kind of evil makes me sick!
Isabel must choose between her chastity and the life of her brother, not an easy choice. She decides to tell her brother, confident that he would never ask her to make such a sacrifice. She explains that he would gladly die so that she can remain virtuous. Perhaps I grow emotional because I am blessed with four amazing brothers who would never ask me to do a thing like this. But how terrible it would be to know that my chastity would cost the life of my brother! Maybe I think of my Elder Brother Jesus Christ, who willingly gave His life so that I can become clean. Either way I feel a kinship to Isabella. Coming from a religious background myself, it it easy for me to understand the gravity of her predicament.
I also learned that not everyone sees the monologue in the same light. During my tutoring session with the professor he explained that I need to get the auditors to empathize with me. They need to feel sorry for me, that I have to make this decision. Well, duh, I thought. This is an awful decision! But then he said, "yes, why is she being such a prig? Why won't she just sleep with him and save her brother. She has the power to save him." Of course I tried to conceal my horror. How could anyone think like that? Then I realized that not everyone is religious and some watching might think those things. (I know...I am a little naive.) Anyway, it was a good reminder that everyone brings their own experience to a play. I shouldn't assume that everyone will understand or agree with Isabel's choice not to give in to Angelo but hopefully everyone watching will see what a heart wrenching decision.
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