I have taken a few different acting classes/lessons since I have been here in New York City. Though there are several different acting techniques I have noticed several common threads, the most significant one being that I am supposed to be myself on stage. I am not supposed to 'act' or pretend to be someone else. I am not supposed to behave how I think a worried person would or how I think a friend or security guard should but rather I am supposed to be myself, act like I do when I am worried or how I would be a security guard. This has been a rather startling discovery. After all, as one of my teachers explained, "actors always want to escape, be somebody else but all we(the casting directors) want is to see who you are. Be yourself in that situation. Be real, genuine." What??? Yes, I want to escape, pretend to be someone else! Now you want me to be myself???
This leads me to what a stripper and an actor have in common. I want to put on make up, a costume and forget myself. You want me to 'strip' down and be vulnerable, revealing raw emotion. Um, no thanks! That is my first reaction. I like wearing my clothes or living safe within my walls. You want me to let my walls down? 'Expose myself'? I am not so sure I can do that. Perhaps this is the cause of my stage fright. Can you blame me? This is what makes acting scary but it is also what makes acting powerful and moving. We let people in, not only showing others our journey and allowing them to come along for the ride. This somehow validates their own roller coaster of a life and they leave the theater enlighten, stronger.
I'm assuming this metaphoric stripping of my walls is like physical stripping and gets easier with time. I am not giving up but will continue to take acting classes so I can practice 'exposing' myself. I still feel like I am at the edge of the cliff debating whether to jump or not. Hopefully with all of this practice I will soon be able to take it all off, holding nothing back or 'covered'.
Pretending to be someone else is really fun though. I have often wondered why I have no stage fright with children. Since being a nanny in New York City I have walked down the street like I had ants in my pants, sang and waltzed in front of everyone, run through Central Park with my sweater around my neck yelling Superwoman! and many more ridiculous things without even batting an eye. So why do I get nervous performing in front of adults, especially casting directors? Well, I am sure there are lots of reasons. There is a lot more riding on my performance in an audition than there is with my charge. Plus, kids believe whatever you tell them. They are not critical and so easy to impress. They think anything you do is amazing. Kids are my favorite audience! But also could it be that I am "performing" for them? I am trying to be someone else. I want them to escape with their imagination. Apparently, while I act I am not supposed to perform but rather just be myself. This is scary. What if they don't like me? What if they think I am boring. It is much safer to "perform" rather than be vulnerable and expose myself to ridicule. But "performing" is more superficial and less powerful or so I am told. But if all of this is true it would explain the mystery of why I am so comfortable with children and not adults. It isn't necessary for me to expose myself or be vulnerable with children when we "play" like it is with adults. So as much as I love doing imaginary play with children I guess it doesn't count as practice for the stage. Acting class is the place I can practice my stripping! Here's to letting it all hang out!
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