Despite what you think I am closer to my dream than I was a year ago.

I have been in New York City fourteen months now. I have taken acting classes, dance classes, singing lessons, private coaching, and a couple of workshops. I have attended numerous auditions (though not as many as I could have) and still no luck. I am told it takes years. This is fine with me, after all the only thing I do have is time. But some of you naysayers (I am also talking to the loud negative voice in my own head!) might be wondering if it has been worth it. I wanted to take a moment and explain why I am closer to my dream now than I was a year ago.

There are the obvious reasons that I have already mentioned such as all of the classes and auditions in which I have participated. I have learned so much by doing all of these things. My knowledge has increased by leaps and bounds. Plus, I have seen many, many Broadway shows. I am educating myself, watching good and some bad theater. I am soaking it in, getting a clearer vision of what I want to do.

A few months ago I went to a play date with my charge. We entered the house and when I turned my head I saw five Emmy awards sitting on the shelf. I was amazed. The boy's father writes for a famous TV show. I sat and chatted with him for a good hour. It was just nice to rub shoulders with someone that is doing it. He is living his dream, doing what he loves and experiencing success. It is so easy to get discouraged with rejection after rejection but it gave me great hope to visit with him. It does happen. My dream can come true! And some of his success is bound to rub off, right?

I love this city. It is full of energy and excitement. Everyone has a dream and they are going after it. I love being around people like this; it makes me feel less crazy. I am not the only one with hopes and dreams but one of many who are searching, striving to make their mark in the world. I love being here. This kind of energy has fueled me, helped me to not give up. There is always hope, always possibility.

These are the reasons that although there are no tangible results I believe with all of my heart that I am closer to reaching my dream than I was year ago. So knowing this I must deem this past year a sweet success! I have nothing but enthusiasm for the years to come!

What do a stripper and an actor have in common? A lot more that you think!

I have taken a few different acting classes/lessons since I have been here in New York City. Though there are several different acting techniques I have noticed several common threads, the most significant one being that I am supposed to be myself on stage. I am not supposed to 'act' or pretend to be someone else. I am not supposed to behave how I think a worried person would or how I think a friend or security guard should but rather I am supposed to be myself, act like I do when I am worried or how I would be a security guard. This has been a rather startling discovery. After all, as one of my teachers explained, "actors always want to escape, be somebody else but all we(the casting directors) want is to see who you are. Be yourself in that situation. Be real, genuine." What??? Yes, I want to escape, pretend to be someone else! Now you want me to be myself???

This leads me to what a stripper and an actor have in common. I want to put on make up, a costume and forget myself. You want me to 'strip' down and be vulnerable, revealing raw emotion. Um, no thanks! That is my first reaction. I like wearing my clothes or living safe within my walls. You want me to let my walls down? 'Expose myself'? I am not so sure I can do that. Perhaps this is the cause of my stage fright. Can you blame me? This is what makes acting scary but it is also what makes acting powerful and moving. We let people in, not only showing others our journey and allowing them to come along for the ride. This somehow validates their own roller coaster of a life and they leave the theater enlighten, stronger.

I'm assuming this metaphoric stripping of my walls is like physical stripping and gets easier with time. I am not giving up but will continue to take acting classes so I can practice 'exposing' myself. I still feel like I am at the edge of the cliff debating whether to jump or not. Hopefully with all of this practice I will soon be able to take it all off, holding nothing back or 'covered'.

Pretending to be someone else is really fun though. I have often wondered why I have no stage fright with children. Since being a nanny in New York City I have walked down the street like I had ants in my pants, sang and waltzed in front of everyone, run through Central Park with my sweater around my neck yelling Superwoman! and many more ridiculous things without even batting an eye. So why do I get nervous performing in front of adults, especially casting directors? Well, I am sure there are lots of reasons. There is a lot more riding on my performance in an audition than there is with my charge. Plus, kids believe whatever you tell them. They are not critical and so easy to impress. They think anything you do is amazing. Kids are my favorite audience! But also could it be that I am "performing" for them? I am trying to be someone else. I want them to escape with their imagination. Apparently, while I act I am not supposed to perform but rather just be myself. This is scary. What if they don't like me? What if they think I am boring. It is much safer to "perform" rather than be vulnerable and expose myself to ridicule. But "performing" is more superficial and less powerful or so I am told. But if all of this is true it would explain the mystery of why I am so comfortable with children and not adults. It isn't necessary for me to expose myself or be vulnerable with children when we "play" like it is with adults. So as much as I love doing imaginary play with children I guess it doesn't count as practice for the stage. Acting class is the place I can practice my stripping! Here's to letting it all hang out!

Days 3 and 4 of musical workshop

Wednesday night we worked with a casting director named Scott. He was very nice, professional and demanding. I must admit I got a little nervous listening to him describe his disappointing stories about bringing people in for directors and then watching them crash and burn! Um, okay, no pressure!

I sang "There's a Fine, Fine Line" from Avenue Q. It went well. He said I needed to stop listening to my voice and act, be in the moment. Apparently, I can't rock either (been trying to break that habit for awhile now) and he said I need to smile and find the joy in the piece. Smile? Really, while I am so nervous?!? No, they were all good comments, heard them all before.

Then I sang "Far From the Home I Love" from Fiddler on the Roof. Before I started he shared that this is one of his favorite songs. Oh goodie, now I am not nervous! It went well. This one is easier for me to sing than the other one. He did say I had a beautiful voice and that I didn't need to listen to it. He helped me think about the lyrics and the character, suggested I needed to make it more personal. I agree with everything he said. He was kind and said he hoped to see me again soon!

Thursday night we worked with Michael. He was also very kind and easy to work with. He said I needed a new head shot (they have all said this). I just got my hair cut and when I get it highlighted I will get a new headshot. He said I was prettier and younger than I look in my photo. How nice! I never want it to be the other way around. After singing my three songs for him he pointed out that I get in my own way. Hum, I have never thought that before! That is the story of my life! How do I fix this, get over my nerves? I actually asked him. He said you kind of just have to say f&*$ it and do it! I have heard those words many times. Now all I need is the courage to do it! Something to pray for...

I sang "Hopelessly Devoted to You" from Grease for my first song. This one is more difficult vocally and I had never sang it for anyone so I was nervous but I received some good instructions that included singing with my water bottle as a microphone and dancing in front of the mirror. This was silly and embarrassing but definitely helped me loosen up. After this I sang it standing still and it was much better than the first time. Oh so much to learn!

I sang "I'll Know" from Guys and Dolls next. I love this song and it sits well in my voice. I let loose and sang. Michael was sincerely impressed with my voice especially since the previous song didn't really show off my voice. He did a couple of double takes while listening. It was really fun to see him so pleasantly surprised! I don't know how many people have to tell me before I start believing that I have a good voice and can actually sing!

Because of extra time we got to sing a third song, I sang "My New Philosophy" from You're a Good Man Charlie Brown. After I sang it Michael said that he usually doesn't like this song but that he actually enjoyed it that time. Score! He and Rance gave me a few suggestions, which involved walking around the room like a crazy person, and I sang it again. It went better this time of course. I still need to work on my poses and energy for this song, lots to do. But I do like the song so it shouldn't be too hard to put the effort into it. My vocals were much better Thursday, Michael did say I could sing. I did this song on Tuesday night and the acting was much better but boy I rarely hit a note or beat. But one thing at a time.

Nerves. I must overcome them! Michael pointed out that when I am in control and confident in the audition room the auditors can relax because they know I have it under control but if I am nervous it makes them nervous and they aren't sure if I can do what I want to do.

It was a great workshop. I am glad I did it. It is really helpful for me to perform every night. My nerves are so much calmer that fourth night. Two auditions next week! Wish me luck and confidence!

Day #2 of musical theater workshop

This week I am participating in a musical theater workshop. Every night a different casting director comes to work with us. It is great exposure and a rare opportunity to get feedback from those in the business.

Last night we worked with Rance Wright, a manager/coach and director of the workshop. There are five other people performers in the group and everyone of them has an agent. When I found that out I knew I didn't belong. I became very intimidated and rightly so, because they were all amazing! They have all performed on tours and had many jobs. Then I went up and sang my songs. It was awful! Let's just say there is a reason I didn't write a post about it. But after a few tears, prayers, and a good night's sleep tonight's performance went much better.

I sang for Jason from Binder Casting. My two songs were "I'll Know" from Guys and Dolls and "My New Philosophy" from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. I made it through without letting my nerves get the best of me. I enjoyed singing the songs and got some awesome feed back. Now I know what to work on with those songs.

I am not sure what changed or how I was able to come back from a night like last night but I am sure happy with the results! Actually, I might know what made the difference. As I was praying last night I got the impression I needed to be more humble. Crazy, isn't it? In this industry of confidence and "look at me" I was prompted to be more humble?!? But when I think about it I was intimidated by the others because I was comparing myself to them, I knew I was not as good as them. This made me feel anxious and uncomfortable, incapable of measuring up. While praying I realized I should be grateful to be in a class with them, watching them perform and being able to learn from them. This is a more humble attitude. It was my pride that was threatened by them, making me more nervous and self-conscious. So today I tried to be more humble, content with where I was. Instead of comparing myself to others I tried to be satisfied with who I am and where I am at. With this attitude I was less nervous, it was easier to be confident.

Damsel in waiting but not in distress.

Why isn’t what I am doing enough? Why do people have to ask questions like “Where will you move next? I hear the singles scene is better in this city, why don’t you try there? How long will you stay in NYC?” Hell, why can’t I just live my life? Why can’t I just do what I love and let that be enough?! I know, I know, you all know I want me to get married which is why you bring it up but for once can’t you just be supportive and ask me about what I am doing? Believe me when there is a potential guy you will hear about it. You all claim that I can be a happy person on my own but then are unable to treat me that way. Plus, I am constantly being reminded that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, married people have problems too (fyi I hate this argument, single people have problems too but can you blame me for not wanting to face these problems alone???) So in one breath you say the grass isn’t always greener... and in the very next one you are trying to convince me to move to DC or Salt Lake or maybe California. Really?!? Besides why am I the one who has to go traipsing around the country looking for him? Why doesn’t he come and find me for a change? I want a guy who is motivated to look for his better half (aka me). This is why I am going to stay right here and pursue my dreams, not matter how long it takes; time is the one thing I do have! So if any of you meet whatever his name is and see that he is searching for me, his better half, please tell him where I am which is right here in NYC participating in the many things that I love, the most important one being the Church! And that is enough!

I do not mean to point fingers at anyone that might have prompted this post. Though there are a few family members who might be guilty, I hold no ill will towards you. I know you are just trying to help. No doubt these conversations bother me because the voices in my head are saying the same thing! The point is I am not mad at anyone I just had to get some things off my chest. I do appreciate everyone's prayers and thoughts in my behalf as I patiently wait for my other half, I couldn't make it without your help. Thank you!

Musical Reviews

About three weeks ago I had two of my cousins and a good friend here to visit. We had a fabulous time. I'll definitely be posting pictures later. While they were here we went to see a couple of shows, which I must review of course.

Saturday afternoon we went to see Jekyll & Hyde. My cousin Jessica, roommate Karen and I, all sat in the back balcony for the first act and then moved closer for the second act. I read the book years ago so I don't really remember which parts are true to the book. The musical was good. The singing was very good. The music is good. There a few really famous songs in the show. I love the song, "Someone Like You". The acting was alright. They did a nice job. The story is dark. I did not feel myself drawn into the story, empathizing with the characters all that much. Of course, this is why I go to the theater to feel something, to experience what the characters are going through. I didn't really get that in this show. It was amazing though, the sets, costumes, and singing. The music was also really, really loud. When we moved up for the second act I had to sit with my ears plugged in order to enjoy the show. I was in the balcony and it was blasting. But I do have sensitive ears, often plugging them as the subway roars by.

Monday night we went to see Newsies. This was my second time seeing the show. I sat in the balcony this time. I must admit I prefer the middle orchestra seats I had the first time. The production was great. I loved the dancing and singing. I was not as impressed with the acting this time even though most of the cast was exactly the same. I was less caught up in the story this time. Maybe it was because this was my second time and I was just noticing different things. Even with all of that said I left thinking, I have to see it again! I have more family coming in June so maybe that will be possible! The story is just so positive and inspirational. I love it! It is a must see for everyone!

Modeling audition

I almost forgot my one semi-successful audition. I saw an ad for a modeling audition. They were looking for petite models. I fit the description of height, dress and shoe size so I figured I would try it. Plus I wouldn't have to sing or dance so I might have a chance! I got all dressed up and took my picture and resume to the audition. There were only about eight of us. We stood in the hallway while a woman took our picture and resume into a back room for some to see. A few minutes later she came out and told a few of us to try again in about six months and others she gave a card and told them to email this man to set up an appointment. She asked me to set up an appointment! I made it, I guess. I promptly returned home to email this man so we could meet. He emailed back and asked for pictures. I emailed him the pictures and he said thanks. That was it. I haven't heard from him since. So, I guess they have me on file? I was chosen but not really? It was a good ego booster for a few days. So much to learn about this industry...