To Jump or Not To Jump? That is the Question

They say when you are learning a new skill progress isn't necessarily a gradual incline but more like steps. You improve a little and then hit a plateau. You are on the plateau for awhile until you have a break through or learn something new and your skills increase until you hit another plateau and the cycle continues. So I feel like I have been on this plateau for awhile now. I think I know what I need to do but am just a little hesitant. Let me explain.

I have already written about the need to be vulnerable in acting but for some reason is seems to be a reoccurring theme. Some of my walls have come down, okay maybe one or two but there are still so many up. Why is this so scary for me? Why can't I just be myself? I am so frustrated! It seems to come so easily for others. Well, for one thing walls make us safe. We carry them around with us, our own cage. I can appear adventurous by moving to NYC and pursuing my dream of performing but changing my interior is much more difficult. Unfortunately I brought my walls with me to NYC. They will always be with me unless I decide to do something about them.

So what is the answer? Vulnerability. I must jump off a cliff and plunge into the unknown giving up what little control I think I have. What? No thanks. I know this is what I need to do though. In order to progress in my acting career I need to expose myself by being vulnerable. I feel like this man overlooking the cliff.

Actually, I feel like I have been at the cliff for quite sometime, pacing back and forth for days, weeks, and months debating whether I should jump or not. Acting class helps but the idea is so scary! What will happen if I do jump? What if there is nothing down there to catch me? What if I regret jumping, there is no way to get back up! What is even at the bottom? I can't see what is down there. So I wait, I pace and debate should I jump or should I not. Meanwhile precious time is wasting!

For obvious reasons, a couple of my favorite sayings are, "Don't be afraid to go out on a limb, that's where the fruit is" or "A ship in a harbor is safe but that's not what ships are made for." So I ponder and pray that the pacing will stop and that one day I will be able to do it, just jump over the edge! And perhaps, just maybe, I'll get used to it? I might even start to enjoy it.

Rocky and Bridges of Madison County

A few weeks ago I went to see Rocky with Brenda and my Aunt Lynette. We had amazing seats, front row on the left side. The show was fantastic! I loved it! I thought all of the songs were perfectly placed in the story. This movie is one of my favorites, who doesn't love an underdog who also ends up with the girl? How can you not fall in love with Rocky's simple yet genuine approach to life. Rocky was not only persistent in the ring but also in his pursuit of Adrian. She clearly gave him no encouragement but that did not stop him! Their relationships is one of the best in Hollywood movies.

The acting and singing was great! There was definite chemistry between characters. The costumes and sets were great. It was like watching the movie, only with music. At the end they took about twelve rows of audience members and sat them on the stage while the boxing ring was rolled out on top of the empty seats. Right there during the show the theater was transformed into a boxing arena with audience on all four sides.

My favorite part was when Adrian blows up at Paulie. Rocky and Adrian are decorating their Christmas tree when a drunk Paulie comes in cursing, insulting Adrian and demanding that she come home with him. Adrian who is a quiet, reserved woman has had enough; she lets him have it, in a song of course! Rocky, the big tough guy, who could take Paulie down in one second, just stands back and lets her handle it. I love that Rocky respects Adrian and believes in her enough to allow her to handle the situation herself. It was an exhilarating pro woman moment as Adrian tells Paulie that she will no longer put up with his abuse. I loved it!

Love wins!

We also saw Bridges of Madison County. We saw it with my aunt when she was here but since then Brenda and I have seen it again. This show is amazing! The music is beautiful. Kelli O'hara is flawless. I love her voice. She sings so effortlessly. Steven Pasquale was wonderful too. I have no doubt every woman in the room was in love with him by the end of the show.

The subject matter was not the best, a woman cheating on her husband. It is probably not the best to be routing for an affair. I have never wanted someone to leave their family so bad in my life. Any show that produces this kind of desire can't be good (unless the family is abusive or something but this was not the case). But to her credit, Franny makes the right choice and stays with her family, forever blessing the lives of her children. Despite knowing this is the right choice I couldn't start myself from searching for a way that she could have both, the man she loved and stay with her children. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. Of course, one part of the story that is left out is how her husband feels about all of this. I know, I know it is only a fictional story but I believe it only proves what an amazing story it is if I can sit and stew about it for days on end. I am left questioning, can you have a relationship with passion and fulfill your duty at the same time? Must I choose one or the other? Don't all relationships start out with passion and then change to duty? Why does the passion die? Must it die?

Before the show (the first time)

Why I like acting better

Yesterday I auditioned for "Dirty Dancing". The audition went well. There were almost 400 people there. After they taught us a little cha-cha combination, we practiced it a few times and then performed it for the auditors. They asked maybe five from each group of 40 to stay and sing. At the end they explained that they were looking for a very specific type to fill some spots in the show. Ugh! Really? Do they say this to make us feel better? If they want a tall brunette why don't they just look at our pictures and type cast?

This is one thing I do not like about musical theater. You have to sing, dance, act AND look like the previous person that had role. I have seen Newsies on Broadway three times and the woman that plays Katherine always looks the same even though I know they have replaced the original actress. The potential people that can play most of the roles is SO limited! It makes getting a job even harder than it should be. Some of you might say straight acting is the same way but I disagree. Yes, directors have an idea of what they are looking for but I feel like there is greater flexibility for who can play the role.

The director of The Graduate was looking for a tall handsome, basketball player type to play the lead but then Dustin Hoffman auditioned. He did so well, the director through his ideal out the window and hired Hoffman. I know this can happen in musicals too but it seems less likely. With straight acting you can be yourself and really create a role, your interpretation of the role. In musicals I feel like I have to fit a certain type before I can even be considered for the role. Acting feels much more flexible and creative, there isn't a box I have to fit in. I just have to be myself in the circumstances that the character lives in. It is so much more open-ended.

The waiting room for Dirty Dancing audition. Not picture are the hundreds of people waiting in the hallway.

Acting Class: Learning to Bare All

Apart from the nudity, acting classes have been going very well. Why these young actors think they have to be willing to do and say anything is beyond me. I feel like shaking them and telling them that is is okay to have standards! You don't have to sell yourself!

I was assigned to work with my friend Kelsey, who I love. We worked on my scene from Doubt together. She is a great actress. She had a scene from a contemporary play that I can't the title. In the scene there are two women sitting on a bus who find out that they both left their husbands. We did the scene and I just went for it again! I was myself, which is really hard because you always think you have to 'act' like how the character would act but really you are just supposed to be yourself in the circumstances of the scene. This makes me nervous because I like wearing a mask, it is much safer that way. But I just went for it. I owned it! I wasn't nervous to be myself, I just did it and I was confident.

My teacher and other students were shocked! They couldn't believe how well I did! I couldn't either, really, I don't know where the confidence is coming from! I mean I am sure Heavenly Father is answering the prayers and fasting I have given in regards to this subject. I am so grateful. And I am having so much fun!

Anyway so while one student was literally stripping I was doing a little stripping myself(there is that stripper analogy again), figuratively that is. Yes, I was letting my walls fall down, allowing myself to be vulnerable. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin, clothed skin albeit but one thing at a time. This is a huge step for me and I am so excited about it!

I did it! I did it!

Last Thursday I participated in a one night workshop. It was an opportunity to perform and I took it. There were eight of us and we each spent 15 minutes working on one song. My friend Rance coached us. I sang "I'll Know" from Guys and Dolls.

It went so well! I don't know what happened. I wasn't nervous. I didn't care what other people thought of me. I just jumped right in and sang, making any adjustment he asked for. The second time I danced while I sang. The next time I sang it like a stalker. This was so fun! I was committed and went with it. After that I sang it like I would never marry. The last time I sang it like I was trying to convince myself that I really would know my love when I saw him. This I believe is the true meaning of the song. It went well. I wasn't nervous but was rather concerned with how well I was acting. The other performers said it was beautiful, one girl looked like she had tears in her eyes.

It was so fun to sing without nerves! I felt so liberated, I was not weighed down with care of what the others would think of me. I was shocked by my behavior. I didn't expect such confidence! I didn't even beat myself when I sang the wrong rhythms or words. I was pleasantly surprised with myself. It felt so good!

Three in One Week

Last week I actually went to three auditions in one week. I know this is probably normal for my acting friends but it is quite a lot for me.

The first was for a cabaret show. I was able to sing two songs at the audition! And I had an appointment. None of this waiting around for six hours to sing for ten seconds! I sang My New Philosophy and Fine, Fine Line. I was extremely nervous of course. Philosophy didn't go so well. Being nervous messed with my voice which is shaky on that song anyway. Fine, fine line went better but then again I have performed that song before so that helped. It was a good experience. It was so nice to be able to see two songs!

The second was a dance audition for The Music Man in some city in New York. They taught us the little dance to Shipoopi. I could actually do the dance! This was so refreshing. It actually doesn't happen as often as you think, considering the other girls in the audition are 15 years younger and way more flexible than I am. It was fun to do the dance but as I stood there I still had the thought, "I don't want to do this." This was odd. Usually I have that thought when I know there is no way I can do the dance but that wasn't the case this time. I shrugged it off and did my thing. It went well.

The third audition was another dance audition, this time it was for a theater company in Maine. It was a joke. There were so many girls there that they type cast us. They took us in 50 at a time, lined us up and let us do a time step and pirouette one at a time. Just one problem, I don't know what a time step is! I know it is a tap step but couldn't do one. It was embarrassing. I did it or tried to at least and then hurried home.

Just an old picture from when I was in Annie in Utah.

Two Reviews: After Midnight and The Glass Menagerie

Over the past few weeks I have been able to see two shows on Broadway. The first show, "After Midnight" I saw with my cousin, Brenda.  It was different, more of a concert style show. There was no story just musical numbers. The music was from the 1930s in Harlem. Dule Hill was the star, along with Fantasia. I am a fan of Dule Hill. He was great, playing the role of a sort of narrator. He did a little singing and dancing but it was clear he was brought in for his star power. Fantasia is apparently from American Idol.

I loved this show! It reminded me of the Alvin Ailey dance company. The production is so aesthetically pleasing you can't help but smile. They coordinate the lights, music, and costumes to give their audience an experience rather than tell a story. It is breathtaking! It is so beautiful! And I don't know what it is about watching black people dance but it is amazing! They are so natural, nothing looks choreographed or mechanical. They are not dancing to the music but instead music appears to be coming out of their bodies, as if the music would stop if they stopped dancing. The singing was so good. They sing like they dance, full of emotion, giving their whole soul to the song.

The Glass Menagerie starred Cherry Jones, Zachary Quinto, Celia Keenan-Bolger, and Brian J. Smith. I was really excited to see this production but unfortunately it did not live up to my expectations. It was more difficult to get swept up in the story. I just wasn't feeling it. Mr. Quinto was the most interesting one to watch. I was not particularly convinced that Ms. Keenan-Bolger had a leg problem. At times I couldn't understand Ms. Jones's lines. While the second half was better than the first I just didn't quite believe the characters were real. The more I study acting the more I realize just how difficult this is, to convince the audience that they are not watching a play but rather watching real people live their lives on stage. It makes me both excited and nervous to pursue my dream of acting.

My friend Brittany and I after the show.